My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
