smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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