You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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