I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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