4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
