we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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