i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
