break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
