Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Randomize
