You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
