my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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