and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
