my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
