She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
