he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
