i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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