My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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