For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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