He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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