I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
