Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
