I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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