don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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