My first STD was from a foam party
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
