Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
