Do you still have your period?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
