my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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