So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
