I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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