3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
handjob tips. give me some.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
