i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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