I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
