Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
