I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
He shit in the fireplace
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
