He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
