I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
