She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
