She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
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And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
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You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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