did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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