So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Randomize
