She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I am naked and annoyed.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
These tits shall not be calmed
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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