The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
someone owes me an orgasm
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
