He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
