and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm passing your future prison.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
