The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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