My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
