I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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