She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
