some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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