so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
