Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Randomize
