She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
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