I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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