Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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