Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
