ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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