I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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