I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Hungover. No words. Just memes.