If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
