In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
