My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
