Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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