it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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